I haven’t been writing at all for several weeks now. Quite simply, the reason being that what is heavy on my heart to write about is not something people will want to read about nor give a rat’s rear end about. I am all too aware that everyone has their own issues and heartaches to deal with and don’t really want to feel stressed by reading about anyone elses’ problems. I get it. But my feelings are real nonetheless. What “they” say about grief being the worst during the first year after you lose someone dear is very true. My dad…..my hero….my rock died 8 months ago and in many ways it still seems like yesterday. In fact, some days I can hardly believe he’s really gone. Almost every day on my way home I pass a car just like his and for just a millisecond, I think it’s him. With each new holiday or season or family event, I think of what it would mean to him and what role he usually played. When I go grocery shopping I see old couples and it reminds me of my mom and dad who loved to shop together. I see things…..special foods they liked but maybe rarely treated themselves to……and it makes my heart ache a little. Every single day on my commute to and from work, if I don’t have music playing and it’s quiet in the car, my mind goes straight to him and how much I miss him. Tears and a great sense of loneliness almost always follow. I ask myself repeatedly if this will ever end or at least become less painful and intrusive to my mind and heart on a daily basis. My parents lived next door to me and my family for the last 25 years. My dad was always out in the yard mowing or tinkering around with something and whenever I would go out we would talk and “banter” back and forth …teasing each other about long-standing issues. He was always there to help with anything and everything that ever went wrong and had an answer for everything. In my younger years, he lovingly & proudly referred to me as his “little Buckeye”, as I was the first person on his side of the family to graduate from college (OSU). In later years his favorite thing to say in his cute joking way as we were parting company was, “Well…glad you got to see me……you can leave a quarter on your way out.” In the last several months when he was very sick and depressed, I used to say that to him in an effort to make him laugh…..sometimes it worked….sometimes not so much. Life now …for me…is so much different. Just yesterday, for example, I went out to mow my very large yard. My mower had been in the shop and this was the first time I was using it since the repair place returned it. Well, it started fine but I couldn’t get it to move in any direction. I won’t go into great detail here lest you think me a complete and total idiot, but I tried and tried for a half hour to get that booger to move. My dad would have been over in a flash and had the problem solved. My stress level was climbing as my list of chores was very long and I needed to get the mowing done before the forecasted rain arrived. I could not IMAGINE what on earth was wrong, as I was doing everything that I always did to start the mower. Finally after much frustration, I VERY reluctantly called the one person I knew would know…….my ex. We are on friendly terms now so I wasn’t really afraid of HIM being mad but he has fairly recently gotten back together with his first wife and I felt 100% certain that she would NOT appreciate me calling. Well, long story short, his answer only solved half of the problem but a call from my daughter solved the other half. Ultimately I got it moving and much to my distress, so too were the tears. As my Deere devoured row after row of the tall grass, not only did my emotions get the best of me regarding my dad and how much I missed him but now, after hearing the voice of the man I was married to for 24 years, my heart was hurting over that whole situation again as well. I suppose there is a reasonable explanation for that. You see, today, May 29th is the anniversary of our divorce being final….5 years ago. It was final 5 years ago but he actually moved out 6 years ago……after deciding he no longer loved me nor wanted to be married. Yep…..I finally said it publicly. Ultimately he admitted remorse over his decision……but it was too late…..too much water under the bridge. Anyways…..I digress.
So, there you have it. The reason the blank pages stare back at me every time I sit down to write. I’m a deep person and it seems that when I decide to write, it’s because something has really captured my heart and mind and I just have to expound on it. But if I feel that that “something” is too “dark” for general consumption, I really hesitate….lest I be labeled as a depressing old “Eeyore”and/or just flat out bore the socks off people!! Believe me when I tell you that I truly am a fun-loving, silly, easily amused kind of gal who loves nothing more than laughing till my belly hurts……..99% of the time. It’s just that 1% that pokes through now and then.